Doctor visits

I went to the dr. the other day for a regular check-up. Isn't it amazing to have the power of "zoning out"? With legs up in air and someone looking at the most private of areas, you can talk about your kids or the weather. Amazing!! Also, a right of passage for women is the infamous "mammogram". Now, I have already did my "baseline" about three years ago, so I knew what to expect. But,,, once again I summoned up the "zone-out". A boob gets plopped up on the machine, just think about lunch, lady rearranges boob, well...that takes a little more thinking, but, oh yeah, grilled chicken for supper.

Yesterday I went to another dr. for a sore throat that was just terrible. He decided it was an infection and gave a script for antibiotics. Okay, that fixed. While he was checking my ears out, he noticed this mole on my nose and said, "Have you seen someone about that mole." I said that I had an appointment next month to see our dermotologist. (That was one of my summer goals..to have it removed for looks.) He asked me who the dermo. was and I told him and that I could only get an appt. in a month. He told me that I "shouldn't wait a month." I told him that I could get an appt.earlier with someone else in the practice. He highly recomended that. So, now I have something else to worry about until next Tues. Oh well, noone said aging was going to be easy. I was wondering why my gyno was asking me about when I had my last mole-check. I quess she noticed that big, fat, mole on the side of my nose too.

Feeling Closer to God today

Have you ever felt "away" from God? You knew he was there but you just couldn't "connect". I have been feeling that way lately. I think it started almost two school-years ago when I started taking my son to his bus stop. My morning drive to work had been my prayer time/Christian talk-radio time. Don't get me wrong, I treasure my ride with Zac bec. we had uninterrupted time to talk or just to sit by each other and not talk. But, by not starting my day talking to God, I just sort of drifted away. What really got me scared was a couple of months ago, I realized I hadn't prayed in months. Not even little, short prayers/talks. It was late at night when I woke up and realized this. So, I tried to pray and realized that I couldn't pray. I tried to focus but my mind kept wondering. I could just feel that no matter how hard I tried, my prayers were just bouncing off of the ceiling. I got really worried.

This summer I have made a plan to take the time each day to read the Bible. I still get busy and forget some days. But, I must say that by just spending some time focusing on the Bible, I have felt something that i haven't felt in a while. I know that i still have a lot of work to do in order to get back to the same closeness that I once had. It is so easy to let life get in the way of our walk with God. I am going to try a harder in the future to make God a priority.

Home church??( as in home school)

It is a joke around here that we "home church". We can't seem to find the "right" church for us. I am sure we are being too picky but with 5 people having to be involved with the decision, it seems that no church fits each member of the family. We (as a family) are somewhat progressive (instead of traditional). We like comtemporary music (but I don't like it "every song"). I like to sing some of the old standards. Some of the new songs, in my opinion, just don't have the depth that Amazing Grace or What a Friend We Have in Jesus or others have. However, I don't want to be at a church that is so dry that they can't get past singng "number 95 in the blue hymnal" every Sunday. I like a small-medium sized church bec. I feel lost in a big church but those don't usually offer much for kids. And Gray complains about going to any church bec., frankly, he hasn't been to church on a regular basis. Until about 10 years ago, we went to church every time the doors were opened. We just sort of found reasons to not go... we moved to a new neihborhood, worked evening shift, traveled for work, .... Eventually, the kids stopped wanting to go at all. The joke of it all is that in the beginning we wouldn't open the door or let the kids go outside during church hours.
How does one find the right church when one lives in the country?

4o years ago today

So, 40 years ago today an alcoholic older man and a five-time married woman welcomed a baby girl into the world. The couple had only been married a few monthes and both had grown children from previous marriages. What a way to come into the world. I guess compared with nowadays, it wasn't so bad. As the girl grew, she rode the roller coaster of life, thinking that things would be perfect one day...if only this would happen or that would happen. In all reality things weren't terribly bad and there were many great times, like going on nice trips and getting almost anything she wanted. Having older parents meant that money wasn't a big issue and they didn't really "know" about raising kids in the 70's and 80's. This girl got away with "a lot" that the parents didn't know about.

At about age 4, the girl's mom developed cancer and the little girl went to live with stangers. These people were nice and also had grown children so a little girl was made to feel welcome. At least, she looked that way in the pictures that the dad took when he came to visit. Back then, dads didn't raise little girls without a wife. After time, the mom got better and the family was reunited.

I think this scare tamed the dad and mom a little bit bec. the dad and mom moved to a country house where the family lived until the girl was 14. It didn't tame the dad enough not to get drunk and fight with the mom or shot at the mom and daughter with a pistol one night. On that first day of school, the teacher didn't know that the girl and her mom fled in the middle of the night and had to break in quietly at dawn to get the back-to-school clothes out of the closet. The teacher just thought that the girl was tired from having to get up early, after a summer of sleeping in. Or maybe the girl was sick? The teacher kept asking the girl with the head down on the desk all day, "Do you feel well, Are you sick?" "No," replied the girl because back then, family problems were kept private. The girl really didn't know that this wasn't a normal way of living. It was normal to her.

At 14, the dad asked the girl and mom to go on one last camping trip of the summer. The girl really didn't want to go bec. she wanted to spend time with her friends. But she went anyway and had an okay time. It was like any of the other camping trips that she had taken with her family. Little did she know that it would be the last. Soon after that trip, her mom and dad told her that her dad had cancer. The girl knew that her dad would die one day. Noone told her how soon it was going to be. The mom and dad felt that it was best to let the girl go on with her life as normal. Monthes past with the dad in and out of the hospital. Then came the hospital bed in the living room and oxygen. The girl still didn't know that the end was coming. She really just thought that this was the way life would be. One night the girl was skating with the youth group. The preacher left the skating rink and went just up the road to the hospital to visit the dad. When he got back, the girl asked the preacher, "How is he doing?" the preacher said, "He is resting. He is asleep." So, the girl went home with the youth minister and his wife for the night. The next morning, they went to work and left the girl to get up later. When the phone rang, the girl answered. On the other end was the girl's neice, (same age). The neice said, "Did you know Lee died last night?'' Wasn't that a wonderful way to find out that your dad had died. The girl felt betrayed bec. she didn't get to say goodbye and bec. less important people knew he died before she did.

The dad died on Fri. night, visitation on Sat., funeral on Sun. The girl was back in school on Mon. It was the easiest way bec. in school she didn't have to think about how sad she was or how guilty she felt. One day, the girl came home from school and the mom had everything packed. Just like that, they were moving. Poof.. home--gone. Maybe that is why this girl has a wondering spirit. I have always called myself a nomad bec. until I had kids, I moved about every 6 month. Thinking--things will be better if I live here or if I live there...

I told my husband the other day that he tamed me. It is amazing that I have spent more time on earth with my husband than with my dad. Even my son is older than I was when he died. My daughter is almost 14. As I now turn 40, I ponder the purpose in life. I know the Bible verses about doing God's will, spreading the good news, loving your neighbors, etc. But, what is my purpose?

I feel young as always but I have noticed little things going south, like not being able to see little print and joints being stiff after sitting long times. How will I feel if I live to be my mother's age, 78? She is terribly miserable most of the time from arteritis and diseased lungs. When she was 40 (and I was 2) did she picture getting cancer twice? Or being in constant pain? What does my future hold. The old saying is that "time goes by in a blink". Will I blink and be old? Will I get cancer in another couple of years? What do I do now so that I don't have any regrets if/when these things happen?

My grandmother live to be 93. She had crippling artheritis and I never once heard her complain. She lived by herself until she was in her 80's and fell. Maybe I will be as strong as her, shoveling coal and toting out ashes in my 70's. But, she was scared of the night. She lived all those years without a man and was awfully afraid to be by herself. Will I be that scared and lonely? What is my husband died young like hers? What would I do?

Getting older just makes one think. I don't like thinking about all of this. Typing it out is "getting it out of my system". I will try not to mope and be sad bec. it doesn't do any good anyway. I can't change the fact that I am going to get old. Maybe, I can only do something about "how" I will get old. Well, really i can old do so much about even that.

aging parents

What do I do with an elderly mother that is stubborn and selfish? Do I just let her go on as she has been going? Basically I have been ignoring the situation. Or do I put my foot down and make everyone mad. She has made bad financial decisions and now barely has enough money left to eat on. I could take over her finances and get her out of this hole but the cost to me would be arguing with her all of the time about how she needs to be careful with her money. The balance is allowing her to maintain her adult freedom but also having someone to watch over her decisions.

Love the Beach

I am in the middle of the week at Gulf Shores/Orange Beach. Why couldn't I have been able to live down here? I love everything about the beach, even the dreaded sand. We have had a good time. This is the first time in several years that we did not bring my sis and her son and granddaughter. So, Zac has been pretty bored!!! And, Gray hasn't really had anyone to play with. Autumn has made a new friend with a girl her age. David knows her mom so the girls have been going back and forth to each other's place. David and I have been hanging out with them at night some. There is a new place down here called the Hangout. It has live music everynight. And we love to sit back and listen to music. It is right next door to where we are staying, so everynight we have gone over for a little while to listen to music. Last night it was Rolling in the Hay (not my fav.) but the night before it was a "Bob Marley" type band. They were pretty good. Before that it was alternative.. not my fav. Tonight TAASRO has rented Waterville for our group so we will have the whole water park to ourselves from 6-9:30. The kids are looking forward to that. I'm not a big waterpark fan but it is nice to know that the kids will be safe... 200 police officers and their families. They will have lots of fun.