4o years ago today

So, 40 years ago today an alcoholic older man and a five-time married woman welcomed a baby girl into the world. The couple had only been married a few monthes and both had grown children from previous marriages. What a way to come into the world. I guess compared with nowadays, it wasn't so bad. As the girl grew, she rode the roller coaster of life, thinking that things would be perfect one day...if only this would happen or that would happen. In all reality things weren't terribly bad and there were many great times, like going on nice trips and getting almost anything she wanted. Having older parents meant that money wasn't a big issue and they didn't really "know" about raising kids in the 70's and 80's. This girl got away with "a lot" that the parents didn't know about.

At about age 4, the girl's mom developed cancer and the little girl went to live with stangers. These people were nice and also had grown children so a little girl was made to feel welcome. At least, she looked that way in the pictures that the dad took when he came to visit. Back then, dads didn't raise little girls without a wife. After time, the mom got better and the family was reunited.

I think this scare tamed the dad and mom a little bit bec. the dad and mom moved to a country house where the family lived until the girl was 14. It didn't tame the dad enough not to get drunk and fight with the mom or shot at the mom and daughter with a pistol one night. On that first day of school, the teacher didn't know that the girl and her mom fled in the middle of the night and had to break in quietly at dawn to get the back-to-school clothes out of the closet. The teacher just thought that the girl was tired from having to get up early, after a summer of sleeping in. Or maybe the girl was sick? The teacher kept asking the girl with the head down on the desk all day, "Do you feel well, Are you sick?" "No," replied the girl because back then, family problems were kept private. The girl really didn't know that this wasn't a normal way of living. It was normal to her.

At 14, the dad asked the girl and mom to go on one last camping trip of the summer. The girl really didn't want to go bec. she wanted to spend time with her friends. But she went anyway and had an okay time. It was like any of the other camping trips that she had taken with her family. Little did she know that it would be the last. Soon after that trip, her mom and dad told her that her dad had cancer. The girl knew that her dad would die one day. Noone told her how soon it was going to be. The mom and dad felt that it was best to let the girl go on with her life as normal. Monthes past with the dad in and out of the hospital. Then came the hospital bed in the living room and oxygen. The girl still didn't know that the end was coming. She really just thought that this was the way life would be. One night the girl was skating with the youth group. The preacher left the skating rink and went just up the road to the hospital to visit the dad. When he got back, the girl asked the preacher, "How is he doing?" the preacher said, "He is resting. He is asleep." So, the girl went home with the youth minister and his wife for the night. The next morning, they went to work and left the girl to get up later. When the phone rang, the girl answered. On the other end was the girl's neice, (same age). The neice said, "Did you know Lee died last night?'' Wasn't that a wonderful way to find out that your dad had died. The girl felt betrayed bec. she didn't get to say goodbye and bec. less important people knew he died before she did.

The dad died on Fri. night, visitation on Sat., funeral on Sun. The girl was back in school on Mon. It was the easiest way bec. in school she didn't have to think about how sad she was or how guilty she felt. One day, the girl came home from school and the mom had everything packed. Just like that, they were moving. Poof.. home--gone. Maybe that is why this girl has a wondering spirit. I have always called myself a nomad bec. until I had kids, I moved about every 6 month. Thinking--things will be better if I live here or if I live there...

I told my husband the other day that he tamed me. It is amazing that I have spent more time on earth with my husband than with my dad. Even my son is older than I was when he died. My daughter is almost 14. As I now turn 40, I ponder the purpose in life. I know the Bible verses about doing God's will, spreading the good news, loving your neighbors, etc. But, what is my purpose?

I feel young as always but I have noticed little things going south, like not being able to see little print and joints being stiff after sitting long times. How will I feel if I live to be my mother's age, 78? She is terribly miserable most of the time from arteritis and diseased lungs. When she was 40 (and I was 2) did she picture getting cancer twice? Or being in constant pain? What does my future hold. The old saying is that "time goes by in a blink". Will I blink and be old? Will I get cancer in another couple of years? What do I do now so that I don't have any regrets if/when these things happen?

My grandmother live to be 93. She had crippling artheritis and I never once heard her complain. She lived by herself until she was in her 80's and fell. Maybe I will be as strong as her, shoveling coal and toting out ashes in my 70's. But, she was scared of the night. She lived all those years without a man and was awfully afraid to be by herself. Will I be that scared and lonely? What is my husband died young like hers? What would I do?

Getting older just makes one think. I don't like thinking about all of this. Typing it out is "getting it out of my system". I will try not to mope and be sad bec. it doesn't do any good anyway. I can't change the fact that I am going to get old. Maybe, I can only do something about "how" I will get old. Well, really i can old do so much about even that.